Brains
Husband : U know dear,
our son got his brain from me.
Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
His and Her Version
Her version: Oh did I mention
or did I not? Well doesn't matter now, I already started talking. Jane came
over, while I was having a cup of coffee. I didn't even sugar the coffee. By the
way did you notice that I lost 10 pounds? No, you didn't notice, you never
notice. Anyway she came over and wore an ARTIFICIAL wig. I mean isn't that
awful? An ARTIFICIAL wig? I mean her husband could buy a real one with his
money, but I didn't say anything, it's none of my business. I asked her how much
weight she lost and she said she lost 20 pounds. Yeah, right, like I can see, I
have eyes you know. Oh did I say why I asked her that? Because we follow the
same diet, and you don't know that. Well, anyway, we sat down and had a cup of
coffee.
His version: Jane came over for a cup of coffee.
Hired Help
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I
figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the
witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
Man of the House
What is a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Guess
Who?
A guy walks into a post office
one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He
then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His
curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him
what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
Equal
Work
What do you call a woman who
works as hard as a man? - Lazy!
Cost of
Marriage A
little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And
the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying
No Speaks...
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Patel went to bed not
speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Patel
left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Patel awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly
out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:
"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
Absent Minded Husband
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem
of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an
account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to
send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,
"Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until
one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said
off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?" |
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