Computer Nerd

You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!

Bill Gates and General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Girlfriend 1.0 -> Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and Brother-In-Law Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - A 'Don't remind me again' button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
BUG WARNING: Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
BUG WORK-AROUND: To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Haircut

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* Your start introducing yourself as "Jon at I-I-Net dot com"
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
* All of your friends have an @ in their name.
* You can't call your mother..... she doesn't have a modem.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
* You tell the cab driver you live at: http://23.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
* You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.
* Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage..... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
.....AND THE #1 CLUE THAT YOUR ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET IS........
* Your dog has its own home page. :-)

Programmer  Joke

There were an engineer, a manager and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control until it came to a halt by running against a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said, "to fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and develop a solution along with a mission statement." The engineer said, "no, that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem, and correct it." The programmer said, "no, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Tech Terminology

- 486 : The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
- State of the Art : Any computer you can't afford.
- Obsolete : Any computer you own.
- Microsecond : he time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
- G3 : Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times   faster than the computer I  bought for the same price a   Microsecond ago."
- Syntax Error :  Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to 
  buy a computer and money is no object."
- Keyboard : The standard way to generate computer errors.
- Mouse : An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
- Floppy : The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
- Laptop : A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
- Disk Crash : A typical computer response to any critical deadline. 
- Power User : Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. 
- System Update : A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

True Microsoft Story Sent by Ishwarya

I once got an especially helpful reply to a question I asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support service. I wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much I appreciated it.

The next day I had a response:

"We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible."

IBM and Light bulbs

How many IBM employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10,000: one to hold up the light bulb, and 9,999 to turn the building around.

Microsoft and Light bulbs

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM

Engineering In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"